With the recent bank seizures, unemployment figures
and other bad news, the Department of Homeland
Security has announced it will start issuing a series
of color-coded stock market alerts in order to advise
investors as to the appropriate level of anxiety,
depression, and suicidal feelings they should be
experiencing during the coming stock market crash.
By issuing these stock market alerts, we believe
that we can help Americas investors panic, lose sleep,
or kill themselves in an orderly fashion. The color-coded
system, unveiled in a White House ceremony yesterday,
is as follows:
Green
Only two new criminal investigations launched
Only two new criminal investigations launched
against major corporations today, with the Dow
expected to drop no more than three hundred
points; investors are urged to act with irrational
exuberance.
Blue
President Bush will make a major economic speech
President Bush will make a major economic speech
today; investors are advised to convert their
401(k) plans to gold coins and food-related commodities.
Yellow
Martha Stewart has barricaded herself inside her
Martha Stewart has barricaded herself inside her
Westport home, and is holding off SEC investigators
with a Cuisinart blade; investors urged to drain their
bank accounts and keep the proceeds in their underwear,
bra, or body cavities.
Orange
Federal Reserve Chairman Bernard Bernanke has been
Federal Reserve Chairman Bernard Bernanke has been
seen drinking bourbon directly from the bottle on the
steps of the Federal Reserve; investors should immediately
organize yard sales and car washes, and hoard gasoline.
Red
At least five federal officials have left the country in a
At least five federal officials have left the country in a
single-engine plane with $80 billion in gold looted from
Ft. Knox; investors are encouraged to throw themselves
in front of a speeding bus -- if they can find any that can
afford enough fuel to move.
Updated Dictionary of Stock Market Terms:
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
Mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
Allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
As the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
Assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
Down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
For $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
Bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
Up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word
