Color-Coded Stock Market Alerts & New Stock Market Terms

With the recent bank seizures, unemployment figures

and other bad news, the Department of Homeland

Security has announced it will start issuing a series

of color-coded stock market alerts in order to advise

investors as to the appropriate level of anxiety,

depression, and suicidal feelings they should be

experiencing during the coming stock market crash.

By issuing these stock market alerts, we believe

that we can help Americas investors panic, lose sleep,

or kill themselves in an orderly fashion. The color-coded

system, unveiled in a White House ceremony yesterday,

is as follows:

Green
Only two new criminal investigations launched

against major corporations today, with the Dow

expected to drop no more than three hundred

points; investors are urged to act with irrational

exuberance.

Blue
President Bush will make a major economic speech

today; investors are advised to convert their

401(k) plans to gold coins and food-related commodities.

Yellow
Martha Stewart has barricaded herself inside her

Westport home, and is holding off SEC investigators

with a Cuisinart blade; investors urged to drain their

bank accounts and keep the proceeds in their underwear,

bra, or body cavities.

Orange
Federal Reserve Chairman Bernard Bernanke has been

seen drinking bourbon directly from the bottle on the

steps of the Federal Reserve; investors should immediately

organize yard sales and car washes, and hoard gasoline.

Red
At least five federal officials have left the country in a

single-engine plane with $80 billion in gold looted from

Ft. Knox; investors are encouraged to throw themselves

in front of a speeding bus -- if they can find any that can

afford enough fuel to move.

Updated Dictionary of Stock Market Terms:

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
Mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
Allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
As the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
Assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
Down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
For $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
Bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
Up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word

Redneck Fire Alarm

I love this - at least I wouldn't be disconnecting it when I burn dinner every night LOL. __,_._,___

YT Link - Robin Williams as the American Flag

Not political, funny and inspiring:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_L1vLv84vs

Hope Everyone Had a Great Thanksgiving

A man forgot to buy turkey for Thanksgiving It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door. "Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one." "Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man. "That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man. "Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"

Video Link - Dog Driver

Canadians are pranked with a dog driving a postal truck. I love it when the guy gives the dog directions ROFLOL:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lH5OT3UQTvY

Enjoy
Linda B:)

Video Link - Skyscrapper Rescue System

Simply amazing -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZ9QAgohRME

Q & A.....For Those Over 50

Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find young, sexy, women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these!"

Fly Swatter Game

This is just plain sill and fun for all ages! Get 'em while you can! CLICK HERE http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

Link - How old is you brain??

The first time I took it I got 36. Feeling smug I thought I would try it again and improve my score - got a 51. LOL guess my batteries wear out faster these days:)

Subject: How old is your brain?

This is interesting !!! See if your brain is as old as your body ~ or ~ (perish the thought) ~ OLDER !!

Procedure of Flash Fabrica Game: 1. Touch 'start' 2. Wait for 3, 2, 1. 3. Memorize the number's position on the screen, then click the circle from the smallest number to the biggest number. 4. At the end of game, computer will tell you how old your brain. Good luck !! http://flashfabrica.com/f_learning/brain/brain.html

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Quote of the Day

LOL I can identify with this one:)


With short hemlines coming back into fashion,
I dug an old miniskirt out of my closet.


I tried it on, but can't figure out what to do with my other leg.

Cute Pic of the Day - Halloween Piglets

Wise Words

Putting Your Affairs In Order

A woman went to her doctor, who, after an examination, sighed and said,
"I've some bad news. You have an incurable cancer. You'd best put your
affairs in order."


The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good and we celebrate
when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have an
incurable cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and some more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who
were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending,end. "I've
been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast and gave the women their condolences

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer. You just told your
friends you are dying of AIDS."

The mother said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your father after
I'm gone."


Now That's Putting Your Affairs In Order !

The Great Preacherman

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director
to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, who had no family or
friends.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became
lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse
was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the
workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There
I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold
them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I
began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and
'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the
Lord,' and 'Glory!' The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I
preached and I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from
Genesis to Revelations.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the
men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat,
I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seennothin' like that

before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years!'

__,_._,___

Age Difference

I saw Rich Little on a special yesterday and loved this quick joke:

What does an 84 year old woman have between her breasts that an 18 year old doesn't?




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a navel :)

Early Communication Systems

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York Scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Redneck Rebel Gazette' in Senatobia, Mississippi reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field near Strayhorn, Bubba Johnson, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Mississippi had already gone wireless.

Hillary's Fortune

During a recent campaign stop, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:"Will I be acquitted?"

Tennessee Ten Commandments

Tennessee Ten Commandments

Some people in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the Ten commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James" into "Jackson County" language.... no joke, read on...

"The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments" (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)

(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(7) No killin'
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don't take what ain't yers
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day!

Political Humor - Which will it be?

While walking down the street one day, a U.S. Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high ranking official around these parts you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” said the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity,” gently replied the Gatekeeper.

“Really, I’ve made up my mind and I want to be in heaven,” answered the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we must abide by our rules,” firmly declared St. Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends into hell. When the door finally opens, he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had previously worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while becoming wealthy at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil who actually is a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time, that before the Senator realizes it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator rises. As the elevator ascends and the door opens, St. Peter is there waiting and says, “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”


So, 24 hours passed while the Senator enjoys himself by joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. Again, before he realizes, his time is up and St. Peter returns and asks, “Well, after spending a day in hell and a day in heaven, where do you choose to spend eternity?” The senator reflects for a minute the answers, “Well, I would have never said it before—I mean heaven has been delightful—but I think I would be better off in hell.”


So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator where he descends into hell. As the elevator door opens, the Senator notices that he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees his friends, dressed in rags, placing trash into black bags as it falls from above. The devil arrives to greet him.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course with a clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him and smilingly replies, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”

UP - the "Simplest" Word

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......

How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir up
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to
be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the
dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the
page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP ,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes
out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so ....

Time to shut UP .....!

Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night?

U P

Math & Formulas for Life

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I quit smoking in Jan, figured it was more important to feed the dogs and buy gas so I could go to work than to buy cigs but I miss them everyday. I was teasing the other day and said if I won the lottery I would buy a motor home, a Rhoomba, a Scooba and a pack of cigs LOL.

Word Crunch

I have found something else to allow me to procrastinate LOL. Find the word listed at the bottom, circle it and it drops away. Great fun.

http://www.rocketsnail.com/wordcrunch/index.html

Candle Help - Joke

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.

The priest said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donvan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Fadder."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Fadder."

Father Flaherty said, "Well, now, I'm goin' to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Fadder." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again and Father Flaherty asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Fadder!"

The priest then asked, "And tell me, have ye any been blessed with any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Fadder! T'ree sets o'twins and 4 singles, 10 in all."

He then responded, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle."

Silly Things

I love cartoons, jokes and fun stuff. This is my place to share the cute and silly.
LOL
Linda:)