While walking down the street one day, a U.S. Senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high ranking official around these parts you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the Senator.
“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity,” gently replied the Gatekeeper.
“Really, I’ve made up my mind and I want to be in heaven,” answered the Senator.
“I’m sorry, but we must abide by our rules,” firmly declared St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he descends into hell. When the door finally opens, he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had previously worked with him. Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening attire. They run to greet him, shake his hand and reminisce about the good times they had while becoming wealthy at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil who actually is a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time, that before the Senator realizes it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as the elevator rises. As the elevator ascends and the door opens, St. Peter is there waiting and says, “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours passed while the Senator enjoys himself by joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing harps and singing. Again, before he realizes, his time is up and St. Peter returns and asks, “Well, after spending a day in hell and a day in heaven, where do you choose to spend eternity?” The senator reflects for a minute the answers, “Well, I would have never said it before—I mean heaven has been delightful—but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator where he descends into hell. As the elevator door opens, the Senator notices that he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees his friends, dressed in rags, placing trash into black bags as it falls from above. The devil arrives to greet him.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course with a clubhouse. We ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him and smilingly replies, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
UP - the "Simplest" Word
Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......
How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir up
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to
be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the
dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the
page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP ,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes
out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so ....
Time to shut UP .....!
Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night?
U P
How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a
report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir up
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to
be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the
dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the
page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP ,
you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes
out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so ....
Time to shut UP .....!
Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night?
U P
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Math & Formulas for Life
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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